You’ve found out your ex-husband is getting married and you’re probably feeling like Wtf?! If you’re feeling a little fragile about this topic don’t beat yourself up, it’s normal. You wouldn’t be human if it didn’t trigger some complex emotions. It’s a process to glide through without feeling confused, over-emotional or anxious about it.
First, get honest with yourself that you’re feeling fragile about your ex-husband getting married again and it bothers you. Then you have to get honest about “why” it’s bothering you.
Making it simply about your ex will not give you clarity or help you move past it.
Answer these 2 questions to help yourself gain insight
1)What do you feel you’re losing by your ex-husband getting married?
2) Is finding love again hard to imagine for yourself? If yes, explain in detail why you feel this way.
These questions can be difficult to answer honestly. But it will bring clarity and clarity will bring closure. When you’re able to get crystal clear on exactly what you’re feeling and the why behind it, it diminishes the power over you.
Both questions are perfect to journal and allow yourself space and freedom to write without edits.
Journaling is something I highly recommend for anyone needing to do some soul searching. Writing has a healing effect. If you can write on paper instead of typing it gives an even deeper healing effect.
Write for at least 10 minutes. Then go back and read it back to yourself. You’ll be surprised by the information you wrote.
In my experience usually what comes out will have to do with some old beliefs around love, marriage, and relationships. Old beliefs that have a tone of negativity or limits. Beliefs that trigger feelings of fear and comparison.
Fear and Comparison will not change anything
Resolve your feelings about your ex getting married again and notice if you’re comparing your life to your ex’s life.
Comparing yourself to someone seems natural to do when you spent a lot of time being apart of their life. It’s very deceptive and fear-based and puts you in an energy of lack and neediness.
If you are comparing, acknowledge it and forgive yourself. Then with compassion tell yourself that you and your ex are two different people with different paths. One isn’t better than the other. Both of you deserve happiness and the ability to be who you need to be right now for your journey.
There is no limit on happiness so there is no need to compare yourself with your ex-husband or anyone else.
The sun doesn’t only shine on certain people, the air isn’t only available to the privileged, grass doesn’t need to know the demographics of a population in order to grow.
Happiness is like these things. It’s always available if we choose to see it.
Could you imagine if earth treated us based on past experiences, status, demographics or our titles?
OMG! We would all be doomed to never experience all things earth has to offer.
Take in this understanding that happiness is for everyone and you become more settled in your emotions.
Also, take time to observe where the fear you’re feeling is coming from. As suggested earlier, this is why journaling can be so powerful. The fears could simply be in your thoughts, running wild looping from one bad thought to another taking you down a rabbit hole.
Your kids follow your lead
Be mindful of your attitude. Your kids pay close attention to how you deal with your ex getting remarried.
This one I think is the most important because it is crucial that your kids see that both you and your ex-husband are healthy and happy.
Kids make their life decisions from their parents’ experiences. Think about it, weren’t your parents the model that you followed for a good part of your life. Good, bad or indifferent kids will mimic what their parents do because kids hold their parents as superior role models for how to create their life as an adult.
You don’t want to send the message to your kids that love is only for certain people and that when you make mistakes you don’t deserve to have love again. Love shouldn’t be feared or thought of as bad and neither should remarriage or that you only get one chance to do something.
Kids make assumptions from their parents’ actions all the time. One of the main reasons I initiated my divorce process was that I didn’t want my kids to see me and their dad live in a toxic bubble that we called marriage. I didn’t want my kids believing that love looked like this or would be this way for them. This didn’t change when their dad announced he was getting married. I still wanted my kids to know that good love exists. People get second, third, fourth, fifth and tenth chances at love and ending a marriage doesn’t make you a bad person, you won’t be punished and everyone deserves love and happiness.
I think it’s such an important lesson for kids to witness their parents support each other in new relationships after divorce. To show another level of love, separate from romantic love, It does so much for their self-confidence.
Take your time and do the journal prompts to answer the questions:
What do you feel you’re missing out on when your ex-husband gets remarried?
Is finding love again hard to imagine for yourself? If yes, explain in detail why you feel this way.
Step into your kids’ perspective, regardless of their age, and imagine how they feel seeing their parents not support each other. Imagine the emotions they might feel, name the emotions and then realize how little control they have when it comes to their parents.
All of these will bring up some truths that will definitely provide insight, clarity and hopefully a shift to see another perspective.
Finally, thank your self, everyone will not do this work. Everyone will not be brave enough to do these journal prompts and self-reflection to get past these feelings. Only women like you that want more for yourself. Check out this guide for women that want more for their life after divorce.
Now, go do something for yourself that feels good and is fun. You deserve it!